Tuesday, 29 June 2010
Monday 28 June Kobarid and Tolmin Gorges, western Slovenia
A day for exploring realms outside the behavioural norms established on this trip to date.
Today, Monday 28 June, the husband was left to look after the kids while the wife took herself off for a bicycle ride. Marooned without his Missing Item Location Finder (or MILF), initial bewilderment gave way to efficiency as bells were attached to bicycles, expresso made, and vehicle readied for cyclist pick up. Soon, two half dressed, non washed, non sunblocked children without their teeth cleaned set off to pick up Mum, finding her ensconsed in a cafe.
101 Uses For a Campervan #8 Bicycle Support Vehicle for Absent Mother
To add to the general air of self-rightousness now surrounding the primary child carer, he prepared a 2 course dinner for his family before finding the energy to dash to the supermarket, put the children to bed and do the washing up.
Note: one or more salient facts have been omitted from the above account. Was it:
(a) The husband had crowbarred in a sneaky 1.5 hr mtb ride in the morning;
(b) The wife spent 1 hr on her ride before:
(c) Going to the supermarket and making the lunches. Or...
(d) All of the above.
Meanwhile, Cinderella has been discovering the downside of Royal marriage. After a minor domestic altercation with her co-opted Prince, involving some pushing and resistance to kisses, she folded her arms and sighed "I don't know why I married this Prince."
Today, Monday 28 June, the husband was left to look after the kids while the wife took herself off for a bicycle ride. Marooned without his Missing Item Location Finder (or MILF), initial bewilderment gave way to efficiency as bells were attached to bicycles, expresso made, and vehicle readied for cyclist pick up. Soon, two half dressed, non washed, non sunblocked children without their teeth cleaned set off to pick up Mum, finding her ensconsed in a cafe.
101 Uses For a Campervan #8 Bicycle Support Vehicle for Absent Mother
To add to the general air of self-rightousness now surrounding the primary child carer, he prepared a 2 course dinner for his family before finding the energy to dash to the supermarket, put the children to bed and do the washing up.
Note: one or more salient facts have been omitted from the above account. Was it:
(a) The husband had crowbarred in a sneaky 1.5 hr mtb ride in the morning;
(b) The wife spent 1 hr on her ride before:
(c) Going to the supermarket and making the lunches. Or...
(d) All of the above.
Meanwhile, Cinderella has been discovering the downside of Royal marriage. After a minor domestic altercation with her co-opted Prince, involving some pushing and resistance to kisses, she folded her arms and sighed "I don't know why I married this Prince."
Sunday 27 June Kobarid western Slovenia
A 25 minute cycle brought us to a beautiful natural bathing area on the Nadiza river where it was possible to swim, dive, and build stone cars for children to sit in and drive to the seaside.
Such distractions led to that rarest of commodities on this trip, 5 minutes of daytime peace from the children. Laura spent the first 2 of those picking off a flap of skin from a gaping toe wound, while I threw pebbles down her top to try and stop her.
By the time retaliation had taken place and a truce called, two small people had realised their life had lost meaning as it was not being witnessed by their parents.
Such distractions led to that rarest of commodities on this trip, 5 minutes of daytime peace from the children. Laura spent the first 2 of those picking off a flap of skin from a gaping toe wound, while I threw pebbles down her top to try and stop her.
By the time retaliation had taken place and a truce called, two small people had realised their life had lost meaning as it was not being witnessed by their parents.
Saturday 26 June Kobarid, western Slovenia
See line 1, Friday 18 June.
The Kobarid area was the scene of intense fighting during WW1, with the Italians alone losing over 500,000 men. A 5 km Historical Circuit, starting from our campsite and complete with added waterfall, seemed set to provide the afternoon's diversions.
Now, what does a family of 4 need for a walk around a rugged Alpine former battlefield, featuring a rickety wooden suspension bridge and a trek to a waterfall?
- One bicycle for a 4 year old. Check.
- One bicycle for a 2 year old. Because her sister is taking hers. Check.
- One large bicycle trailer, buggy conversion mode adopted, for a 2 year old. Check.
- One rucksack to carry 2 year old in should she not feel like cycling or the terrain be too rough for a buggy. Check.
At the top of the steps leading down to the bridge, the two bicycles were crammed into the buggy, the 2 year old was strapped into the rucksack and the 2 adults carried belongings down to and over the bridge.
A kindly American carried one bicycle up the 93 steps at the other end. Maddie, convinced her praise enablement device was being stolen, and receiving no assurances to the contrary, sprang speedily up all of the steps. At the top the circuit continued on up further steps. We turned left and descended a track gently back to base, leaving 3.5 km of historical revelations for another day.
The Kobarid area was the scene of intense fighting during WW1, with the Italians alone losing over 500,000 men. A 5 km Historical Circuit, starting from our campsite and complete with added waterfall, seemed set to provide the afternoon's diversions.
Now, what does a family of 4 need for a walk around a rugged Alpine former battlefield, featuring a rickety wooden suspension bridge and a trek to a waterfall?
- One bicycle for a 4 year old. Check.
- One bicycle for a 2 year old. Because her sister is taking hers. Check.
- One large bicycle trailer, buggy conversion mode adopted, for a 2 year old. Check.
- One rucksack to carry 2 year old in should she not feel like cycling or the terrain be too rough for a buggy. Check.
At the top of the steps leading down to the bridge, the two bicycles were crammed into the buggy, the 2 year old was strapped into the rucksack and the 2 adults carried belongings down to and over the bridge.
A kindly American carried one bicycle up the 93 steps at the other end. Maddie, convinced her praise enablement device was being stolen, and receiving no assurances to the contrary, sprang speedily up all of the steps. At the top the circuit continued on up further steps. We turned left and descended a track gently back to base, leaving 3.5 km of historical revelations for another day.
Sunday, 27 June 2010
More pics...
I T A L I A
One of us likes to swim and the other one likes to eat sand
Princepessa Piccolo Stella
"You're the only one that really gets me, baby."
The trail of destruction continues...
See, I can look normal in a photo
Check out those trousers behind me .... Cinderella would not be seen dead in them.
See they do sleep eventually....
One of us likes to swim and the other one likes to eat sand
Princepessa Piccolo Stella
"You're the only one that really gets me, baby."
The trail of destruction continues...
See, I can look normal in a photo
Check out those trousers behind me .... Cinderella would not be seen dead in them.
See they do sleep eventually....
Friday 25 June to Kobarid, western Slovenia
To a wonderful rustic campsite, set deep in the Julian Alps on the banks of the almost eerily aquamarine River Soca. Facilities are quite basic, but it does have running water and electricity.
And, naturally, automatic self cleaning rotating toilet seats. Which really freak out a 4 year old who fidgets so much the sensors think she has finished.
And, naturally, automatic self cleaning rotating toilet seats. Which really freak out a 4 year old who fidgets so much the sensors think she has finished.
Thursday 24 June Venice surrounds
I really didn't have time yesterday to fully take in the horror that is our campsite. Arriving late in the locale, and with the first campsite full, we had somehow ended up in a 1500 site holiday camp for northern Europeans whose idea of a break is a pre-erected tent/bungalow in close proximity to 4 bars, 3 restaurants, 4 swimming pools and 45,000 OTHER PEOPLE.
And, even where intentions were clearly benign, such as the arrangements of cubicles with shower, loo and sink in a self contained unit, they managed to cock it up. I mean, why put a nasty cheap slippery plastic clothes hook RIGHT OVER THE TOP OF THE TOILET BRUSH?? IDIOTS!!
And that is to say nothing of the camp's dictatorial tendencies designed to help our European friends feel at home. Like the camp identity card, WHICH MUST BE CARRIED AT ALL TIMES. Or the enforced siesta time between 1pm and 3 pm. YOU WILL NOT MAKE ANY NOISE AND TO REMOVE THE TEMPTATION TO USE YOUR VEHICLE THE GATES ARE BARRED.
Or the fact that the 2 pages of rules you are given on entry have to be tattooed on a body part of your choosing should your stay exceeds 5 nights.
And, even where intentions were clearly benign, such as the arrangements of cubicles with shower, loo and sink in a self contained unit, they managed to cock it up. I mean, why put a nasty cheap slippery plastic clothes hook RIGHT OVER THE TOP OF THE TOILET BRUSH?? IDIOTS!!
And that is to say nothing of the camp's dictatorial tendencies designed to help our European friends feel at home. Like the camp identity card, WHICH MUST BE CARRIED AT ALL TIMES. Or the enforced siesta time between 1pm and 3 pm. YOU WILL NOT MAKE ANY NOISE AND TO REMOVE THE TEMPTATION TO USE YOUR VEHICLE THE GATES ARE BARRED.
Or the fact that the 2 pages of rules you are given on entry have to be tattooed on a body part of your choosing should your stay exceeds 5 nights.
Wednesday 23 June Venice
To add to the superlatives heaped upon this aquatic tourist playground, comes the revelation that it is the location of my perfect job. On a sign nailed to a door just off the Grand Canal read seven words to gladden the soul of the encumbent every time they pass through it.
"Venetian Representative of the Principality of Monaco."
Maddie, perhaps a little overpraised for her efforts, had cycled without stabilisers 5 km to the port. She then spent most of the rest of the day wondering when she would get back to her bicycle to earn more praise. That was when she wasn't saying:
Daddy, can I have a mask?
Mummy, can I have a mask?
Daddy, can I have a mask?
Mummy, can I have a mask?
Daddy, can I have a mask?
Mummy, can I have a mask?
Daddy, can I have a mask?
Mummy, can I have a mask?
Venice, famous for its masks, has some sort of ridiculous quality policing in place for them. This means that nasty plastic versions of what are really quite heinous looking face coverings are just not available at prices that match their uselessness. So we were forced to patronise an establishment that also sold that other Venetian speciality, glass.
That is correct. A 2 year old and a 4 year old in a glass ornament shop that we had entered expressly to buy them a present. So they were hardly overexcited at all, then. Looking back at it, we were fortunate that none of the three smashed items cost more than €10 each.
Despite our insistence that we pay for the damage, our offers were dismissed with a smile. Laura, however, demonstrated our contrition by waving away the 10 cents change when proferred. As a token of our appreciation you see. 'No, no, keep it. I couldn't possibly. After all the trouble we've caused'. I'm glad I couldn't see the expression on the shopkeeper's face.
Chloe's Venice Diary
Pigeon chasing factor: high
Opportunity to play in fountain factor: high. Extra points earned for opportunity to stand in, drink, and splash sister. Mwah hah hah.
Spillages and breakages factor: high. One glass of beer (full); one box of glass jewellery (full). Mwah hah hah.
Irritating people in uniform factor: moderate. People are employed, apparently, to get irritated when I touch the barrier which has been put in place to stop people touching things. Mwah hah hah.
Interference from strangers: moderate. Hair ruffled by 4 of them. Photo taken by 1. Faces stored away for future disembowelment should we meet again. Mwah hah hah.
Irritation of parents factor: low. Only really provoked Mummy when I shouted 'I stab dogs' when one crossed my path. Daddy just laughed. A bit like this: Mwah hah hah.
Irritation of sister factor: high. Discovered that repetitively telling her she isn't 4 causes theatrical meltdown. Damn, is she easy to wind up. Mwah hah hah.
Maddie's Venice diary
Cycle cycle cycle. I was brilliant.
Got a Boccodamtella (or 'mask' for those of you who don't speak Italian).
Saturday, 26 June 2010
The Flim Flam Fenomenum
Our eldest is blessed with linguistic skills. She delights in smiling at people she encounters and greeting them with a Ciao or a Buon Giorno. If she catches the words 'princepessa' or 'bella' in the reply her day is made. She wanders round singing 'Twinkle Twinkle Piccolo Stella' to herself after a local described her as one.
She chatters away to no one in particular with the four Italian words she knows interspersed with complete and utter nonsense.
It's all very sweet. For about a day. Then the torrent of nonsense from our own living spam generator begins to fray nerves. Then pluck every last one of them out using superheated tweezers tipped with acid. For your information Maddie:
Oglicanda is not Italian for jumper.
Tingola is not Italian for 'We are going to a little town'.
Bottaw is not Italian for 'Mummy'.
Buccola is not Italian for 'jacket'.
Galla is not Italian for shell.
Stingola is not Italian for 'It's raining'.
Sample conversation:
Parent: Maddie, where is your coat?
Maddie (pleasantly): La boosh galeesia flim flam chocolada bottaw?
Parent: Maddie, stop talking Italian, where is your coat?
Maddie (indignantly): Bawchawm bellisimo gala!
Parent: Maddie, stop that nonsense. Where is your coat??
Maddie (hands now on hips): Lasham flim flam debella si undera the vana laboosh!!
Parent: WILL YOU JUST SPEAK ENGLISH YOU PAIN IN THE NECK!!
She chatters away to no one in particular with the four Italian words she knows interspersed with complete and utter nonsense.
It's all very sweet. For about a day. Then the torrent of nonsense from our own living spam generator begins to fray nerves. Then pluck every last one of them out using superheated tweezers tipped with acid. For your information Maddie:
Oglicanda is not Italian for jumper.
Tingola is not Italian for 'We are going to a little town'.
Bottaw is not Italian for 'Mummy'.
Buccola is not Italian for 'jacket'.
Galla is not Italian for shell.
Stingola is not Italian for 'It's raining'.
Sample conversation:
Parent: Maddie, where is your coat?
Maddie (pleasantly): La boosh galeesia flim flam chocolada bottaw?
Parent: Maddie, stop talking Italian, where is your coat?
Maddie (indignantly): Bawchawm bellisimo gala!
Parent: Maddie, stop that nonsense. Where is your coat??
Maddie (hands now on hips): Lasham flim flam debella si undera the vana laboosh!!
Parent: WILL YOU JUST SPEAK ENGLISH YOU PAIN IN THE NECK!!
Tuesday 22 June to Venice
A day of travel notable mainly for a misunderstanding when Maddie informed me 'Daddy, did you know, Snow White ended up with twins and a divorce.'
I was moderately surprised at this. Although my knowledge of the plotline was weak, I was fairly sure the ending relied less on social reality and more on the tried and tested happily-ever-after formula. Unless Ken Loach had remade it for a Christmas special. Perhaps with the seven dwarves renamed Junkie, Boozy, Natsi, Schitzo, Prozac, Smackhead and Ned.
Sadly for fans of gritty fairy tales, this was not the case and upon probing, I had misheard 'prince and seven dwarves'.
I was moderately surprised at this. Although my knowledge of the plotline was weak, I was fairly sure the ending relied less on social reality and more on the tried and tested happily-ever-after formula. Unless Ken Loach had remade it for a Christmas special. Perhaps with the seven dwarves renamed Junkie, Boozy, Natsi, Schitzo, Prozac, Smackhead and Ned.
Sadly for fans of gritty fairy tales, this was not the case and upon probing, I had misheard 'prince and seven dwarves'.
Monday 21 June, Large Umbrian puddle
24 Hours of rain. The day was spent at the campsite and split into manageable chunks:
9 am to 10 am breakfast. Slowly.
10 am to 11 am. Jigsaws. Very slowly.
11 am to 12 pm. Shower. Very, very slowly. Not sure what Laura and the kids did during this time.
12 pm to 1.30 pm. Lunch. Kick off time of first World Cup game. Decamp to TV and games room.
1.31 pm. Panic. Electricity down. No football.
1.32 pm to 5 pm. Best forgotten.
5 pm to 6 pm. Drill. Rain has eased off sufficiently for operation exhaust children. Small 5-a-side pitch is scene of under 4s sprint training, jogging on spot, kangaroo hop, star jumps, and the piece de resistance, the Chloe charge. This is a run at the very limit of one's balance with the added complication of having to twirl a purple rag like a lassoo above one's head.
9 am to 10 am breakfast. Slowly.
10 am to 11 am. Jigsaws. Very slowly.
11 am to 12 pm. Shower. Very, very slowly. Not sure what Laura and the kids did during this time.
12 pm to 1.30 pm. Lunch. Kick off time of first World Cup game. Decamp to TV and games room.
1.31 pm. Panic. Electricity down. No football.
1.32 pm to 5 pm. Best forgotten.
5 pm to 6 pm. Drill. Rain has eased off sufficiently for operation exhaust children. Small 5-a-side pitch is scene of under 4s sprint training, jogging on spot, kangaroo hop, star jumps, and the piece de resistance, the Chloe charge. This is a run at the very limit of one's balance with the added complication of having to twirl a purple rag like a lassoo above one's head.
Monday, 21 June 2010
Sunday 20 June Still in South East Umbria
Spoleto
Rain, the first for a month, so it was borne stoically and we headed for Spoleto for a dose of indoor diversions. Museums, churches, Roman houses and an old papal fortress, the Rocca Albornaziana. From Italian unification until the 1980s this fortress had been used as a maximum security prison, housing at one stage the would-be assassin of John Paul II. Given that the place is still covered in papal seals, frescoes and overt religious symbols, this would have been a bit like imprisoning Mark Chapman in a Beatles museum. Cruel and unusual punishment.
We watched Italy's second World Cup game in a cafe with the locals. With their designer labels, mopeds and passionate Latin blood they presented as typical a spectacle as a tourist could wish for. Until we noticed they were drinking Tennants Special. Which left us with the question: What do the tramps in Italy drink?
Rain, the first for a month, so it was borne stoically and we headed for Spoleto for a dose of indoor diversions. Museums, churches, Roman houses and an old papal fortress, the Rocca Albornaziana. From Italian unification until the 1980s this fortress had been used as a maximum security prison, housing at one stage the would-be assassin of John Paul II. Given that the place is still covered in papal seals, frescoes and overt religious symbols, this would have been a bit like imprisoning Mark Chapman in a Beatles museum. Cruel and unusual punishment.
We watched Italy's second World Cup game in a cafe with the locals. With their designer labels, mopeds and passionate Latin blood they presented as typical a spectacle as a tourist could wish for. Until we noticed they were drinking Tennants Special. Which left us with the question: What do the tramps in Italy drink?
Saturday 19 June, Preci, South East Umbria
Sometimes this blog writes itself...
A beautiful walk along a deserted valley. The banks of the burbling stream were carpeted with wild strawberries. The series of small waterfalls at the end were perfect for paddling. The children spent their time throwing sticks in and watching them bounce down the cascades before fishing them out of a pool downstream. Half mature tadpoles darted between little toes. An idyllic setting for a picnic.
At the bottom, I was popping the kids in the van when the lovely old lady we had passed on the way down feeding her poultry stopped and talked at Laura. After a few minutes of this, and clearly encouraged by Laura's 'gift' of appearing to understand everything that is said to her in any language, we picked up the phrases 'cafe?' and 'casa?' as she pointed at her house. Feeling anything less than an affirmitive would have caused affront, we smiled, grabbed our phrasebook and made ourselves at home in her kitchen. Plied with wine, magnificent coffee, sweet bread and orange juice, everything was going as well as could be expected in a communication vacuum, and the lady seemed delighted just to have someone to talk to.
Groping round for conversational gambits, Laura pointed at a sepia tinged photo hanging on the wall of a smiling man and two mischievious boys. It captured a beautiful moment when the lady's sons and late husband were working together to bring in the smallholding's harvest. The lady reached up, with trembling hands. Her cataract clouded eyes misted with happy memories. Time slowed down. Her brain struggled to control her emotions and her shaking hands. The picture fell from her grasp and the frame shattered on the floor.
Laura knelt, frantically picking up the glass as if they were pieces of her conscience. She knew she was to blame. Tiny fragments were everywhere but the lady waved away further attempts to help saying (we think) that she had a Hoover. Laura surreptitiously picked up some further shards and dropped them into the bin.
'You do realise,' I said after we had made a slightly shambolic exit, 'that the dogs are probably going to eat the cake crumb and glass confection on the floor?'
With a fixed smile on her face Laura replied. 'Yes, and I'm sure I've just seen her disappear back up the hill with what I thought was the bin but is clearly a bucket of scraps she keeps to feed her collection of geese and poultry.'
And so we left the lovely valley of San Lazzaro, leaving a trail of broken memories and lacerated intestines in our wake.
A beautiful walk along a deserted valley. The banks of the burbling stream were carpeted with wild strawberries. The series of small waterfalls at the end were perfect for paddling. The children spent their time throwing sticks in and watching them bounce down the cascades before fishing them out of a pool downstream. Half mature tadpoles darted between little toes. An idyllic setting for a picnic.
At the bottom, I was popping the kids in the van when the lovely old lady we had passed on the way down feeding her poultry stopped and talked at Laura. After a few minutes of this, and clearly encouraged by Laura's 'gift' of appearing to understand everything that is said to her in any language, we picked up the phrases 'cafe?' and 'casa?' as she pointed at her house. Feeling anything less than an affirmitive would have caused affront, we smiled, grabbed our phrasebook and made ourselves at home in her kitchen. Plied with wine, magnificent coffee, sweet bread and orange juice, everything was going as well as could be expected in a communication vacuum, and the lady seemed delighted just to have someone to talk to.
Groping round for conversational gambits, Laura pointed at a sepia tinged photo hanging on the wall of a smiling man and two mischievious boys. It captured a beautiful moment when the lady's sons and late husband were working together to bring in the smallholding's harvest. The lady reached up, with trembling hands. Her cataract clouded eyes misted with happy memories. Time slowed down. Her brain struggled to control her emotions and her shaking hands. The picture fell from her grasp and the frame shattered on the floor.
Laura knelt, frantically picking up the glass as if they were pieces of her conscience. She knew she was to blame. Tiny fragments were everywhere but the lady waved away further attempts to help saying (we think) that she had a Hoover. Laura surreptitiously picked up some further shards and dropped them into the bin.
'You do realise,' I said after we had made a slightly shambolic exit, 'that the dogs are probably going to eat the cake crumb and glass confection on the floor?'
With a fixed smile on her face Laura replied. 'Yes, and I'm sure I've just seen her disappear back up the hill with what I thought was the bin but is clearly a bucket of scraps she keeps to feed her collection of geese and poultry.'
And so we left the lovely valley of San Lazzaro, leaving a trail of broken memories and lacerated intestines in our wake.
Friday, 18 June 2010
Friday 18 June Preci, South East Umbria
See line 2 under Monday 14 June
Vacancy: Cartographers required.
Location: The whole ******* country of Italy.
Skills required: The ability to draw lines on a bit of paper that actually reflect the geographical reality of the transport infrastructure.
Additional Note to Writers of Mountainbike Guides. Your core user group is not really interested in two pages of descriptions of churches that no one, including locals, go into. Nor pictures of orchids. They would much prefer you expanded the direction explanation section from two paragraphs to give the casual orienteer a fighting chance of not ending up in the wrong ******* valley.
Vacancy: Cartographers required.
Location: The whole ******* country of Italy.
Skills required: The ability to draw lines on a bit of paper that actually reflect the geographical reality of the transport infrastructure.
Additional Note to Writers of Mountainbike Guides. Your core user group is not really interested in two pages of descriptions of churches that no one, including locals, go into. Nor pictures of orchids. They would much prefer you expanded the direction explanation section from two paragraphs to give the casual orienteer a fighting chance of not ending up in the wrong ******* valley.
Thursday 17 June, Preci, Norcia, South East Umbria
A white water rafting experience this morning. Or, honestly, more of a pink water rafting experience. By that I don't mean that the water was churning with blood, but rather it was suitable for a 2 and 4 year old to sit in the front of the raft. And, having seen the video of me delicately 'jumping' into the rapids from the Rock of Adventure, a rather girly shade of pink at that.
Memo to self: When pompously adding up all the 'me' time afforded to one's spouse in a given day, avoid the inclusion of time spent cooking in one's final calculation.
Memo to self: When pompously adding up all the 'me' time afforded to one's spouse in a given day, avoid the inclusion of time spent cooking in one's final calculation.
Wednesday 16 June Preci, South East Umbria
0753 hours. Maddie (whispering). "Chloe! Chloe! It's my birthday! But Mummy says it doesn't start until 8 o'clock."
The day started well, with Maddie delighted with the selection of princess tat, carriages, cycling dolls, dresses and the like. From a parent's point of view, the choice of small Cinderella and Snow White dolls with removable shoes, dresses and hairbands meant much of the day's conversation was conducted through clenched teeth as precious objects were lost, found, lost again, taken into the swimming pool, left in the toilets, trampled on, broken, fixed.
And of course the important matters of physiology had to be recorded. "Daddy, can you help me get Cinderella's dress off please? I need to check if she's got nipples."
Still, lots of swimming, biscuits, party games, party bags for Maddie and the one child who came to her party, cafe (Maddie adores European cafe culture you know), birthday dinner and birthday cake meant our Piccolo Stella had a pretty good day.
The day started well, with Maddie delighted with the selection of princess tat, carriages, cycling dolls, dresses and the like. From a parent's point of view, the choice of small Cinderella and Snow White dolls with removable shoes, dresses and hairbands meant much of the day's conversation was conducted through clenched teeth as precious objects were lost, found, lost again, taken into the swimming pool, left in the toilets, trampled on, broken, fixed.
And of course the important matters of physiology had to be recorded. "Daddy, can you help me get Cinderella's dress off please? I need to check if she's got nipples."
Still, lots of swimming, biscuits, party games, party bags for Maddie and the one child who came to her party, cafe (Maddie adores European cafe culture you know), birthday dinner and birthday cake meant our Piccolo Stella had a pretty good day.
Tuesday 15 June, Preci, South East Umbria
One mission today. Identify campsite with swimming pool, playground and sun for Maddie's birthday tommorrow. Add a dash of princessification and the day should go well.
I've devised a new rating system for campsites. Now all I need is a logo...
A 1 Toilet Brush Campsite: not even typhoid will induce you to unclench. Early exit the next morning before bodily function status is raised to Urgent.
A 2 Toilet Brush Campsite: Sign welcoming dogs with picture of goofy looking pooch. Western toilets looked on suspiciously by locals. One euro token required to stand under a dribble of cold water leaking out of a hole in the wall.
A 3 Toilet Brush Campsite: Sign demands that all dogs are kept on lead.
Western toilets in the majority. Some even have seats. Facilities cleaned at least weekly. Catching sight of oneself in the cracked and greasy mirror there is only a slight sneer of disgust evident.
4 Toilet Brush Campsite: Dogs banned. Showers have water warmer than body temperature. You see equipment that a cleaner might use should they appear. The pool of mud you left in the shower has been largely removed within 2 days.
5 Toilet Brush Campsite: Sign informs campers that dogs are summarily executed. Small Maddie and Chloe sized sink and toilet installed. Hot water showers that don't stop with the soap still in your eyes. Daily cleaning. You might even, maybe, think about using the toilet brush yourself. Should it be necessary. Which it isn't. Ever.
Anyway, mission accomplished, at a 5 Toilet Brush campsite with views across unspoiled mountains, we have the stage for Maddie's birthday:
Swimming Pool - Check
Playground - Check
Bar showing the World Cup in high definition widescreen television - Check
I've devised a new rating system for campsites. Now all I need is a logo...
A 1 Toilet Brush Campsite: not even typhoid will induce you to unclench. Early exit the next morning before bodily function status is raised to Urgent.
A 2 Toilet Brush Campsite: Sign welcoming dogs with picture of goofy looking pooch. Western toilets looked on suspiciously by locals. One euro token required to stand under a dribble of cold water leaking out of a hole in the wall.
A 3 Toilet Brush Campsite: Sign demands that all dogs are kept on lead.
Western toilets in the majority. Some even have seats. Facilities cleaned at least weekly. Catching sight of oneself in the cracked and greasy mirror there is only a slight sneer of disgust evident.
4 Toilet Brush Campsite: Dogs banned. Showers have water warmer than body temperature. You see equipment that a cleaner might use should they appear. The pool of mud you left in the shower has been largely removed within 2 days.
5 Toilet Brush Campsite: Sign informs campers that dogs are summarily executed. Small Maddie and Chloe sized sink and toilet installed. Hot water showers that don't stop with the soap still in your eyes. Daily cleaning. You might even, maybe, think about using the toilet brush yourself. Should it be necessary. Which it isn't. Ever.
Anyway, mission accomplished, at a 5 Toilet Brush campsite with views across unspoiled mountains, we have the stage for Maddie's birthday:
Swimming Pool - Check
Playground - Check
Bar showing the World Cup in high definition widescreen television - Check
Monday 14 June Abruzzo National Park
Around the Valle Fondillo
See para 1 under Friday 11 June.
An early morning ride through the Monti della Meta. Alone into the stronghold of the wolf. I had barely given that a second thought, too enraptured by the beech forests, mountains and gurgling streams. Until, at the 1.5 hour mark and not having seen a soul all morning I came across the largest dog turd I had ever seen. Pale, and clearly originating from the hind quarters of a wolf, it glistened freshly. Excrement that could, conceivably, contain recently processed human flesh. Maybe.
What I hadn't been told about the upper reaches of the Valle Fondillo was that it harbours an exceedingly large number of logs and rocks that strongly resemble crouching lupine forms. The path petered out into a barely visible track through boulder strewn forest. Perfect cover for a wiley predator.
Something jumped out of the undergrowth and attached itself to my rear wheel, snarling and kicking up dirt and leaves.
A stick. Probably thrown by a wolf.
Things That Don't Happen At Home #7 The local fauna at home does not, as a rule, leave freshly spilled blood splattered over one's seating arrangements. Nor make off with one's refuse container, depositing it some 20 yds away in a bush with teethmarks marring the strong nylon exterior.
See para 1 under Friday 11 June.
An early morning ride through the Monti della Meta. Alone into the stronghold of the wolf. I had barely given that a second thought, too enraptured by the beech forests, mountains and gurgling streams. Until, at the 1.5 hour mark and not having seen a soul all morning I came across the largest dog turd I had ever seen. Pale, and clearly originating from the hind quarters of a wolf, it glistened freshly. Excrement that could, conceivably, contain recently processed human flesh. Maybe.
What I hadn't been told about the upper reaches of the Valle Fondillo was that it harbours an exceedingly large number of logs and rocks that strongly resemble crouching lupine forms. The path petered out into a barely visible track through boulder strewn forest. Perfect cover for a wiley predator.
Something jumped out of the undergrowth and attached itself to my rear wheel, snarling and kicking up dirt and leaves.
A stick. Probably thrown by a wolf.
Things That Don't Happen At Home #7 The local fauna at home does not, as a rule, leave freshly spilled blood splattered over one's seating arrangements. Nor make off with one's refuse container, depositing it some 20 yds away in a bush with teethmarks marring the strong nylon exterior.
Sunday 13 June Around Abruzzo National Park
A day notable for the beauty of the scenary, and the confusion caused by describing a vet to Maddie as an 'animal doctor'. After a long and increasingly bizzare conversation that culminated in her asking if the animals wore coats the same as people doctors, her literal interpretation of the phrase was diagnosed and the description amended to 'doctor for animals'.
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
Saturday 12 June Gragona to the Abruzzo National Park
A long drive to the incredible Abruzzo National Park, where wolves and bears roam a short distance from Rome.
But never mind all that, the campsite has a TV. Robert Green, on behalf of all the other home nations, thank you for lighting up the World Cup. A poem is required to mark the occasion and, as the poet laureat is female, I have stepped into the breach with this limerick.
There was a young keeper called Green,
Who let down his country and Queen.
A chap called Capello,
Abused the poor fellow:
"You're just like a fat Mr Bean"
I would also like to offer the following words of solace to the beleaguered shotstopper. Maddie often sings them softly to herself in periods of sadness. I sincerely hope they are from Cinderella. If she has made them up I shudder to think what the psychologist bills will be.
"No matter how your heart is bleeding your rainbow will come shining through"
But never mind all that, the campsite has a TV. Robert Green, on behalf of all the other home nations, thank you for lighting up the World Cup. A poem is required to mark the occasion and, as the poet laureat is female, I have stepped into the breach with this limerick.
There was a young keeper called Green,
Who let down his country and Queen.
A chap called Capello,
Abused the poor fellow:
"You're just like a fat Mr Bean"
I would also like to offer the following words of solace to the beleaguered shotstopper. Maddie often sings them softly to herself in periods of sadness. I sincerely hope they are from Cinderella. If she has made them up I shudder to think what the psychologist bills will be.
"No matter how your heart is bleeding your rainbow will come shining through"
Friday 11 June, Peschici in the Gargona National Park
Your correspondent would like to formally acknowledge the following:
- The forebearance of his spouse in looking after the children once again while the Umbra forest in the Gargona National Park was explored on mountainbike.
Released from the campsite early, with the bike on the back, the windows wound down and the open road ahead of me, the Gargona National Park reverberated to the sound of freedom. And that sound was AC/DC. Then Iron Maiden. Then Guns 'n' Roses. In fact, all the music banned by 75 % of the family in the normal course of events.
A very simple ride today. To the top of mountain, then straight down, and I mean straight down, for half an hour. Then the inevitable climb back to the top. I did stop a couple of times during the descent to drink in the quiet and solitude, but all I heard were the bells of wandering sheep. Or that could possibly have been tinnitus brought on by listening to hard rock at maximum volume.
The climb back to the van gave me ample opportunity to ponder a flaw deep in my psyche. And that flaw is this. During periods of physical activity such as a one hour climb, my brain dredges its depths for the blandest, most irritating song it can think of to play on a loop in time to the pedals. Today, that song was This Is My Moment by some ex soap actress. I doubt any of you can remember it. Until today, I didn't know I could, and indeed all I did remember was the first two lines. Continuously. For an hour.
Things That Don't Happen At Home #6 Missing the World Cup opening game. Or indeed any World Cup game. In the home of the defending champions I am aghast at the lack of coverage.
Some of the simple things in life that bring pleasure when you're in the second month of campervanning:
- A new toothbrush.
- Your daughter not pointing out a grey patch in your beard.
- A freshly laundered towel
- The citronella candle not tipping over and spilling molten wax into the gas ring.
- Stupid ******* children's play parks that advertise themselves as being 'open every day' actually being open when you drive there.
- The forebearance of his spouse in looking after the children once again while the Umbra forest in the Gargona National Park was explored on mountainbike.
Released from the campsite early, with the bike on the back, the windows wound down and the open road ahead of me, the Gargona National Park reverberated to the sound of freedom. And that sound was AC/DC. Then Iron Maiden. Then Guns 'n' Roses. In fact, all the music banned by 75 % of the family in the normal course of events.
A very simple ride today. To the top of mountain, then straight down, and I mean straight down, for half an hour. Then the inevitable climb back to the top. I did stop a couple of times during the descent to drink in the quiet and solitude, but all I heard were the bells of wandering sheep. Or that could possibly have been tinnitus brought on by listening to hard rock at maximum volume.
The climb back to the van gave me ample opportunity to ponder a flaw deep in my psyche. And that flaw is this. During periods of physical activity such as a one hour climb, my brain dredges its depths for the blandest, most irritating song it can think of to play on a loop in time to the pedals. Today, that song was This Is My Moment by some ex soap actress. I doubt any of you can remember it. Until today, I didn't know I could, and indeed all I did remember was the first two lines. Continuously. For an hour.
Things That Don't Happen At Home #6 Missing the World Cup opening game. Or indeed any World Cup game. In the home of the defending champions I am aghast at the lack of coverage.
Some of the simple things in life that bring pleasure when you're in the second month of campervanning:
- A new toothbrush.
- Your daughter not pointing out a grey patch in your beard.
- A freshly laundered towel
- The citronella candle not tipping over and spilling molten wax into the gas ring.
- Stupid ******* children's play parks that advertise themselves as being 'open every day' actually being open when you drive there.
Thursday 10 June, Peschici in the Gargona National Park
A lovely drive across the spur of Italy's boot. A beautiful campsite amongst the pine forests of this natural gem of Puglia. The children had a wonderful day at the beach, and a barbeque to end the evening.
"Daddy," said Maddie afterwards, "Our van is just like a castle."
"Really?" I smiled, awaiting her to draw parallels of adventure, unpredictablity, perhaps even a simile with the van a constant pillar of her newly itinerant life.
"Yes. It has spiders. And flies. And ants."
101 Uses for a Campervan #7 Hippy transmogrification device. Simply insert one superficially normal adult male into a campervan. Add two children and one spouse. Leave for two months. Return to find him frowning in concentration as he attempts to thread shells collected on the beach into a necklace for his offspring.
"Daddy," said Maddie afterwards, "Our van is just like a castle."
"Really?" I smiled, awaiting her to draw parallels of adventure, unpredictablity, perhaps even a simile with the van a constant pillar of her newly itinerant life.
"Yes. It has spiders. And flies. And ants."
101 Uses for a Campervan #7 Hippy transmogrification device. Simply insert one superficially normal adult male into a campervan. Add two children and one spouse. Leave for two months. Return to find him frowning in concentration as he attempts to thread shells collected on the beach into a necklace for his offspring.
Wednesday 9 June, Matera, Alberabello, some caves, Manfredonia
The 'slums' of Matera include cave dwellings, some of which were built in the twentieth century. They are just 5 metres long, have uncomfortable beds, no running water or internal lavatory, and living in them with children would have been a challenge. Er...
Alberobello is trulli picturesque (note, for full impact of lame pun, non connoisseurs of regional Italian architecture may need to google 'trulli')
Alberobello is trulli picturesque (note, for full impact of lame pun, non connoisseurs of regional Italian architecture may need to google 'trulli')
Tuesday 8 June, Taormina to Bascilicata, mainland Italy
From Sicily to Italy's instep. The lack of action today gives me the opportunity to fill the space with another pointless list.
Five Reasons Why Italy Is My Favourite Country In The World. Ever. (warning: the below contains patronising parallels with Developing Nations and excludes banalities concerning how great the food and people are)
1 The towns have that slightly third world smell of two stroke engines and the distant aroma of sewage.
2 Marvellous oversize Italian flags fly from official buildings. LOOK AT US WE ARE A COUNTRY.
3 Minor public officials and law enforcement officers have wonderful epaulettes and shiny badges that inform their subject of their importance.
4 The graffiti on ancient monuments is classier. Sharonia ti amo Kevinio just sounds so much better in Italian.
5 Italy has not succumbed to the Americanisation of the emergency vehicle horn, preferring the old fashioned, air based, system redolent of a more innocent age.
Five Reasons Why Italy Is My Favourite Country In The World. Ever. (warning: the below contains patronising parallels with Developing Nations and excludes banalities concerning how great the food and people are)
1 The towns have that slightly third world smell of two stroke engines and the distant aroma of sewage.
2 Marvellous oversize Italian flags fly from official buildings. LOOK AT US WE ARE A COUNTRY.
3 Minor public officials and law enforcement officers have wonderful epaulettes and shiny badges that inform their subject of their importance.
4 The graffiti on ancient monuments is classier. Sharonia ti amo Kevinio just sounds so much better in Italian.
5 Italy has not succumbed to the Americanisation of the emergency vehicle horn, preferring the old fashioned, air based, system redolent of a more innocent age.
Monday 7 June Etna
Eastern Sicily is currently dominated by seismic instability. No one knows when next the great forces of nature will unleash their fury, and the brooding presence of the snow capped crucible of fire is an ever present in the background, until it deems the time is right to remind the world of its presence.
But enough about Chloe. Etna is a wonderful backdrop to any mountainbike ride, with lava flow deserts interspersed with beautiful pine forests and meadows. Now, if only the damn trails were signposted properly I might have seen a bit more of it.
But enough about Chloe. Etna is a wonderful backdrop to any mountainbike ride, with lava flow deserts interspersed with beautiful pine forests and meadows. Now, if only the damn trails were signposted properly I might have seen a bit more of it.
Sunday 6 June, Panaria and Stromboli
At Vulcan's forge.
Explaining plate tectonics to a 3 year old.
Er...the earth, Maddie, is a bit like, er...an orange. Which has been dipped in...er...ketchup. And then someone has done a jigsaw on it. So if you press a jigsaw piece a bit hard, some ketchup squirts out. OK? So, we're at a bit where the ketchup is squirting out. And Oxford is at a bit in the middle of a jigsaw piece. Where ketchup can never squeeze out. Is all that clear? Good.
Which doesn't really do justice to Stromboli's fireworks which were nearly as exciting to the kids as going through tunnels on the way to the boat, with the flourescent bracelets we gave them this morning.
Things that don't happen at home #7 Huge great ******* cockroaches* the size of small dinner plates don't live in one's domestic lavatory or in establishments that one patronises.
*Or 'conklecrunches' as Maddie described them on returning, shaken and unevacuated, to the cafe table.
Explaining plate tectonics to a 3 year old.
Er...the earth, Maddie, is a bit like, er...an orange. Which has been dipped in...er...ketchup. And then someone has done a jigsaw on it. So if you press a jigsaw piece a bit hard, some ketchup squirts out. OK? So, we're at a bit where the ketchup is squirting out. And Oxford is at a bit in the middle of a jigsaw piece. Where ketchup can never squeeze out. Is all that clear? Good.
Which doesn't really do justice to Stromboli's fireworks which were nearly as exciting to the kids as going through tunnels on the way to the boat, with the flourescent bracelets we gave them this morning.
Things that don't happen at home #7 Huge great ******* cockroaches* the size of small dinner plates don't live in one's domestic lavatory or in establishments that one patronises.
*Or 'conklecrunches' as Maddie described them on returning, shaken and unevacuated, to the cafe table.
Saturday 5 June, Savoca, Gola di Alcantara
Savoca, where key scenes from The Godfather* were shot.
The hilltop town also contains a Cappuchin monastery that, in the true spirit of the Bible, will let the casual passerby gawp at the worldly, 'preserved', remains of eminent figures from the town's past. For a small donation of course. Doctors, lawyers, priests, all in period costume. You name it, you can look at the slack jawed cadavers that thought St Peter would be impressed by a smart jacket and a whiff of eau de formaldehyde.
Maddie and Chloe were fascinated by the corpses. OK, we didn't really let them in. We told them they weren't allowed in and blamed the nun at the door for refusing children entry into the church where Cinderella got married. I do hope they don't hold it against the sisterhood for ever.
*Which I file under the category of Most Overrated Film Ever Made. I'm holding out for the remake with Steven Seagal in the Brando role. Destiny, and justice, dictate this must happen.
The hilltop town also contains a Cappuchin monastery that, in the true spirit of the Bible, will let the casual passerby gawp at the worldly, 'preserved', remains of eminent figures from the town's past. For a small donation of course. Doctors, lawyers, priests, all in period costume. You name it, you can look at the slack jawed cadavers that thought St Peter would be impressed by a smart jacket and a whiff of eau de formaldehyde.
Maddie and Chloe were fascinated by the corpses. OK, we didn't really let them in. We told them they weren't allowed in and blamed the nun at the door for refusing children entry into the church where Cinderella got married. I do hope they don't hold it against the sisterhood for ever.
*Which I file under the category of Most Overrated Film Ever Made. I'm holding out for the remake with Steven Seagal in the Brando role. Destiny, and justice, dictate this must happen.
Friday 4 June, Taormina
A quiet day swimming and whiling away the hours in the upmarket resort of Taormina. Quiet, except for a short time in the late afternoon when the environs of the church of Santa Caterina resounded to the cries of Chloe shouting 'Bird Poo Maddie'.
Things that don't happen at home #6 One's neighbour does not, as a rule, sing loudly and unselfconsciously along to Bellini of an evening.
Things that don't happen at home #6 One's neighbour does not, as a rule, sing loudly and unselfconsciously along to Bellini of an evening.
Thursday 3 June, Siracusa to Etna via Pantilica
Things that don't happen at home #5 Showers don't have heavy external bolts. Therefore one's two year old, who has been given the very important job of holding one's towel, is not routinely tempted to imprison one within the confines of the cubicle until she deems the time is right to release you.
Chloe has adapted the holiday song to meet her own requirements, and rather than wishing violence upon inanimate objects, she happily chants 'We'll be chopping Maddie's head off when we come' much to the chagrin of her delicate sister.
Her delicate sister, who, to my shame given the update of 2 days ago, can now ride a bike without stabilisers!
By the way, Pantilica, a beautiful gorge with thousands of ancient tombs honeycombing the walls, is #1 on my list of Sites To Revisit Without Children. And Sites To Revisit Not At Midday. And Sites To Revisit With An Expensive And Efficient Satellite Navigation Device To Negate The Incompetent Efforts Of Italian Signage Locators.
Chloe has adapted the holiday song to meet her own requirements, and rather than wishing violence upon inanimate objects, she happily chants 'We'll be chopping Maddie's head off when we come' much to the chagrin of her delicate sister.
Her delicate sister, who, to my shame given the update of 2 days ago, can now ride a bike without stabilisers!
By the way, Pantilica, a beautiful gorge with thousands of ancient tombs honeycombing the walls, is #1 on my list of Sites To Revisit Without Children. And Sites To Revisit Not At Midday. And Sites To Revisit With An Expensive And Efficient Satellite Navigation Device To Negate The Incompetent Efforts Of Italian Signage Locators.
Wednesday 2 June, Noto
The Italians are quite happy to drive around with their small children on their laps in the front, or clambering around in the back. Or indeed perched precariously on the back of a moped dodging through traffic. What car seats there are are usually storage vessels for non toddler based items. Yet, walk around town with your toddler not wearing a hat (usually after it has been scornfully dispensed with for the twentieth time) and expect long lectures from strangers on what a bad parent you are. And how beautiful your daughter is. She doesn't deserve you, you know. Bad parent. Such bellisimo hair. Dreadful parenting. And why are her cheeks red? Teething you say? Nonsense. It's the sun. Bad parent. What age is she? Only two? But that means she has to suffer another sixteen years of your parenting.
Tuesday 1 June, Siracusa
One of the milestones in a father's life is removing the stabilisers from his child's bike. I feel this is a milestone that will keep on giving as I suspect Maddie will request their reattachment this evening. And removal tomorrow. And reattachment tomorrow evening. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
Monday 1 June Piazza Armerina to Siracusa via Caltagirone, Ragusa Ibla and Modica
Sleeping Beauty visited the ceramic centre of Caltagirone, Snow White graced the towns of Ragusa and Modica. Photos have been saved for the 18th birthday party.
Confucius say: 18th century Sicilian architecture is a load of Baroques.
Five Things that the Italians manage to make appear stylish even though everywhere else in the world they are not.
1 Mopeds
2 Tight fitting pink t-shirts on men
3 Three wheeled vehicles
4 Flat caps
5 Organised crime
Confucius say: 18th century Sicilian architecture is a load of Baroques.
Five Things that the Italians manage to make appear stylish even though everywhere else in the world they are not.
1 Mopeds
2 Tight fitting pink t-shirts on men
3 Three wheeled vehicles
4 Flat caps
5 Organised crime
Sunday 31 May, Piazza Armerina
Villa Romana de Casale and Morgantina
The mosaics at the Villa Romana are most impressive. One is about 30 yards long and even a Philistine like me can appreciate the craft and the detail. Some took 60 years to complete, or, in the new unit of extended time, 240 campervan holidays.
Our children, however, were more concerned with how much loot they could extract from the various stallholders that line the entry road. The final count was one teddy, one rose and one fridge magnet. All for the price of a hair tousle.
Maddie's cup flow'ed over in the evening when, as he was leaving, Grandad handed over an early birthday present. A REVERSIBLE Snow White / Sleeping Beauty dress. Or, as it is made of nylon and twice the thickness of a single dress, it might be more appropriate to call it a Sweating Beauty dress.
The mosaics at the Villa Romana are most impressive. One is about 30 yards long and even a Philistine like me can appreciate the craft and the detail. Some took 60 years to complete, or, in the new unit of extended time, 240 campervan holidays.
Our children, however, were more concerned with how much loot they could extract from the various stallholders that line the entry road. The final count was one teddy, one rose and one fridge magnet. All for the price of a hair tousle.
Maddie's cup flow'ed over in the evening when, as he was leaving, Grandad handed over an early birthday present. A REVERSIBLE Snow White / Sleeping Beauty dress. Or, as it is made of nylon and twice the thickness of a single dress, it might be more appropriate to call it a Sweating Beauty dress.
Saturday 30 May, Agrigento to Piazza Armerina
You visit a supermarket with your two year old. She gleefully smashes a six pack of eggs. You ponder what to do with the rest of the day. Do you:
a) Go to the beach
b) Relax by the pool or
c) Take her to the Museo Nazionale Archeologico housing its priceless collection of ancient vases?
a) Go to the beach
b) Relax by the pool or
c) Take her to the Museo Nazionale Archeologico housing its priceless collection of ancient vases?
Friday 29 May Agrigento
The Valley of the Temples.
How can we interest people in contemporary art?
Hey, I've got an idea. Let's fill an ancient masterpiece of proportion and grandeur, the 430 BC Tempio della Concordia, with a load of impenetrable modern rubbish of the sort that accumulates bird droppings in modern plazas.
It's as if Helen of Troy appeared one day sporting a spider's web tattoo on her face.
How can we interest people in contemporary art?
Hey, I've got an idea. Let's fill an ancient masterpiece of proportion and grandeur, the 430 BC Tempio della Concordia, with a load of impenetrable modern rubbish of the sort that accumulates bird droppings in modern plazas.
It's as if Helen of Troy appeared one day sporting a spider's web tattoo on her face.
Thursday 27 May Selinunte to Agrigento via Eraclea Minoa beach
Campsite showers are never great, but I do look back on this morning's with some nostalgia. It was the last period of normality for a while.
The sight that greeted me upon leaving the block was one of some disarray. Our 2 year old has fairly regular bowels, and mid morning is one of her favoured times for the egestion of waste. For reasons not established at the time of writing, Chloe was roaming naked on her scooter when she felt the urge to purge in front of the communal facilities.
Onto her shoes, the scooter, the textured concrete ground. Maddie came to investigate and stood in it. I can record that baby wipes are effective on skin, but lack the penetrative power required to work stool based material out of the rear mechanism of a scooter. They also struggle with concrete cleansing and fabric shoes.
Fortunately, traffic to use the facilities was light, although one camper did walk past us 7 times, seemingly doing laps of the site. Her eyes remained steadfastly fixed ahead each time, whether out of revulsion or sympathy we can only speculate.
The sight that greeted me upon leaving the block was one of some disarray. Our 2 year old has fairly regular bowels, and mid morning is one of her favoured times for the egestion of waste. For reasons not established at the time of writing, Chloe was roaming naked on her scooter when she felt the urge to purge in front of the communal facilities.
Onto her shoes, the scooter, the textured concrete ground. Maddie came to investigate and stood in it. I can record that baby wipes are effective on skin, but lack the penetrative power required to work stool based material out of the rear mechanism of a scooter. They also struggle with concrete cleansing and fabric shoes.
Fortunately, traffic to use the facilities was light, although one camper did walk past us 7 times, seemingly doing laps of the site. Her eyes remained steadfastly fixed ahead each time, whether out of revulsion or sympathy we can only speculate.
Wednesday 26 May Selinunte, south west Sicily
Another day, another ruined Greek settlement. I have an as yet untested theory about the Carthaginians, who had a propensity to sack the Greek outposts in Sicily. If the Greek columns weren't so damn satisfying to topple over, their cities would probably have been left alone. They fall so beautifully, however, that I'm in sympathy with the pillagers. It would have been a bit like building a giant domino run and telling your better armed and culturally backward neighbour not to touch.
Tuesday 25 May, Selinunte via Segesta/Trapani/Erice.
Erice is the perfect mediaeval hilltop town, beautifully situated for views across Trapani to the Egadi islands. Reached by a stunning 15 minute cable car ride, it is also, apparently, the ideal transmitting station for radio masts, mobile phone masts and satellite dishes.
The visual vandalism is soon forgotten in the atmospheric tumble of ancient streets. Primarily because, given the lack of space for a compact perambulator in the van, Chloe is strapped to my back and exhaustion soon takes over.
The Italian indulgence of children can sometimes lead to cultural misunderstandings. Despite the allure of the planet's finest ice cream, Chloe is insistent that all she requires for her happiness to be completed is a plain cone. Plain as in no ice cream. At all. When this is requested at the gelateria, the Italians naturally assume this is a northern European austerity measure, and the denial of a basic human right for this seemingly angelic toddler. So, with an avuncular smile they dip the end into ice cream and pass to an appalled Chloe. Meltdown ensues. Chloe is removed from the establishment, flustered explanations in pidgin Italian ensue. It's all a bit embarrassing really.
However, the arrival of Grandad, with a new Tiny Baby, has mollified her somewhat. The perfect campervan toy. Tiny. With tiny detachable shoes. And tiny removable trousers. And tiny removable jumper. I give it a week.
The visual vandalism is soon forgotten in the atmospheric tumble of ancient streets. Primarily because, given the lack of space for a compact perambulator in the van, Chloe is strapped to my back and exhaustion soon takes over.
The Italian indulgence of children can sometimes lead to cultural misunderstandings. Despite the allure of the planet's finest ice cream, Chloe is insistent that all she requires for her happiness to be completed is a plain cone. Plain as in no ice cream. At all. When this is requested at the gelateria, the Italians naturally assume this is a northern European austerity measure, and the denial of a basic human right for this seemingly angelic toddler. So, with an avuncular smile they dip the end into ice cream and pass to an appalled Chloe. Meltdown ensues. Chloe is removed from the establishment, flustered explanations in pidgin Italian ensue. It's all a bit embarrassing really.
However, the arrival of Grandad, with a new Tiny Baby, has mollified her somewhat. The perfect campervan toy. Tiny. With tiny detachable shoes. And tiny removable trousers. And tiny removable jumper. I give it a week.
Monday 24 May, Scopello, western Sicily.
Zingura Nature Reserve provides visitors with a map and list of rules upon entering, intent on preserving the pristine environment. A lovely 20 minute walk through this dog free wilderness finds a beautiful cove, white pebble beach and turquoise waters where Maddie rediscovered her love of the sea.
Rule (d) states that persons accessing the park will not remove earth, stones or other materials. The author of rule (d) had clearly not envisaged the situation that Chloe created in the mid afternoon sunshine.
Never one to suffer flies silently, her complaints had risen to the extent that parental checking of the area was undertaken. This revealed a large quantity of faecal matter on the beach, sourced from the nearby nappy, and attracting the interest of the waste management division of the local insect population. Nearby sunbathers remained oblivious as rule (d) was broken and a significant quantity of formerly white pebbles were furtively transferred to bags for removal from the park.
Things that don't happen at home #4 One's dignity is compromised by having to wash sand from one's feet in the central facilities. Said facilities contain solely pedal operated baisins. The resulting contortions can be imagined.
Rule (d) states that persons accessing the park will not remove earth, stones or other materials. The author of rule (d) had clearly not envisaged the situation that Chloe created in the mid afternoon sunshine.
Never one to suffer flies silently, her complaints had risen to the extent that parental checking of the area was undertaken. This revealed a large quantity of faecal matter on the beach, sourced from the nearby nappy, and attracting the interest of the waste management division of the local insect population. Nearby sunbathers remained oblivious as rule (d) was broken and a significant quantity of formerly white pebbles were furtively transferred to bags for removal from the park.
Things that don't happen at home #4 One's dignity is compromised by having to wash sand from one's feet in the central facilities. Said facilities contain solely pedal operated baisins. The resulting contortions can be imagined.
Sunday 23 May. Palermo to Scopello via Monreale
A morning's rockpooling. A lunchtime in Monreale where cloisters, although entailing the handing over of 6 Euros to the coffers of the Roman Catholic church, provided an oasis of calm in a hectic day. Or they should have. Instead they provided Chloe with the stage for a diverting, and compulsory, game of hide and seek. Believe me, it was quieter that way. If we didn't engage she filled her lungs and informed the entire town that it was her turn to hide.
Chloe is being subjected to the kind of attention that would raise eyebrows at home. But what is it about Italy that makes a father smile indulgently when his daughter is stopped by the old man sitting on the street corner and kissed? As opposed to snatching her away and reporting him to the authorities.
Chloe is being subjected to the kind of attention that would raise eyebrows at home. But what is it about Italy that makes a father smile indulgently when his daughter is stopped by the old man sitting on the street corner and kissed? As opposed to snatching her away and reporting him to the authorities.
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
Saturday 22 May Palermo, Sicily.
Ranked by our guidebook as one of the top 20 Things Not To Miss in Sicily, is the Sicilian Puppet Museum. Despite my skepticism that such tomfoolery could hold my interest, I found myself on a spiritual journey of discovery. For centuries this important entertainment medium provided escapism for the populace of Sicily. Puppeteers took their craft seriously, and if a puppet 'died' during a performance it was dismantled as it couldn't be used again in that form. The puppets depicting Christians were detailed and individualised while those representing the Saracens were largely uniform, if not faceless. The international section contained Vietnamese water puppets and a large Balinese collection.
Actually, it was as tedious as it sounds. And how can what claims to be the world's premier puppet museum (I don't imagine the competition is stiff) make no mention of the muppets?
Things you wish you'd never found out about your spouse #3 She 'loves Punch and Judy'.
Actually, it was as tedious as it sounds. And how can what claims to be the world's premier puppet museum (I don't imagine the competition is stiff) make no mention of the muppets?
Things you wish you'd never found out about your spouse #3 She 'loves Punch and Judy'.
Friday 21 May, Costa Rei, Sardinia to Palermo, Sicily via Nora.
Every life has its punctuation marks, times when events conspire, prompting us to gaze inwards and wonder at the meaning of life. Such a moment was breakfast this morning as the last of the Weetabix, carried from the UK, was consumed. By Chloe. A father's love has no bounds, though his resentment may be tested. What will the breakfast of the future be on this Weetabix desert on the very fringes of Europe?
Nora is a beautifully situated ancient ruin, occupied continuously from the Phoenicians and Romans through to the Middle Ages. Its sometimes turbulent past was reflected verbally over lunch at the cafe.The language of violence comes easily to Chloe. Struggling to transfer her pasta from the plate to her fork, her frustration grew with each attempt to spear her favourite carbohydrate based foodstuff. 'Stab. Stab. STAB. STABBY. COME ON. COME ON.' At full volume. We can only hope our fellow diners had a limited grasp of English.
Nora is a beautifully situated ancient ruin, occupied continuously from the Phoenicians and Romans through to the Middle Ages. Its sometimes turbulent past was reflected verbally over lunch at the cafe.The language of violence comes easily to Chloe. Struggling to transfer her pasta from the plate to her fork, her frustration grew with each attempt to spear her favourite carbohydrate based foodstuff. 'Stab. Stab. STAB. STABBY. COME ON. COME ON.' At full volume. We can only hope our fellow diners had a limited grasp of English.
Tuesday 18 May to Thursday 20 May, Costa Rei
Sun. Wind. Beach. Bike ride.
Note to the people on site 43. You may have put off-road tyres on your habitable towing accessory. And raised its suspension. And put a number on the door of your vehicle. But listen carefully. You are still caravanners.
Wednesday 19 May Cagliari
Cagliari was great, but we didn't see Gianfranco Zola relaxing in a local bar, so ultimately the day must be deemed a failure.
Thursday 20 May
Mountainbike ride in Sardinia: on paper, an easy to navigate, demarcated circuit. A 2 hour trip to the top of a mountain where the path continued on the map. However,the topographical reality was an abrupt end necessitating a degree of orienteering spontaneity. The return journey took on a varied hue. The stage was a thunderstorm, the plot involved wading across a river, climbing over fences and following what looked like tractor tracks in the hope they led to civilisation.
Which they did, with no great drama.
The ferry is booked for tomorrow, taking us off this storm battered isle. We shall shake the sodden dust of Sardinia from our sandals.
Note to the people on site 43. You may have put off-road tyres on your habitable towing accessory. And raised its suspension. And put a number on the door of your vehicle. But listen carefully. You are still caravanners.
Wednesday 19 May Cagliari
Cagliari was great, but we didn't see Gianfranco Zola relaxing in a local bar, so ultimately the day must be deemed a failure.
Thursday 20 May
Mountainbike ride in Sardinia: on paper, an easy to navigate, demarcated circuit. A 2 hour trip to the top of a mountain where the path continued on the map. However,the topographical reality was an abrupt end necessitating a degree of orienteering spontaneity. The return journey took on a varied hue. The stage was a thunderstorm, the plot involved wading across a river, climbing over fences and following what looked like tractor tracks in the hope they led to civilisation.
Which they did, with no great drama.
The ferry is booked for tomorrow, taking us off this storm battered isle. We shall shake the sodden dust of Sardinia from our sandals.
Monday 17 May Costa Rei, south east Sardinia
A lovely campsite, right on the beach. Miles of golden sand lapped by clear turquoise water. Maddie, however, is devastated there is not a swimming pool.
I give up.
Monday 17 May will be recorded as the day that Tiny Baby, third in the pantheon of Chloe's favourite toys, passed from our lives. Bedtime was a long, drawn out affair.
I give up.
Monday 17 May will be recorded as the day that Tiny Baby, third in the pantheon of Chloe's favourite toys, passed from our lives. Bedtime was a long, drawn out affair.
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