Bilbao/San Sebastian

0657 hours, P&O Liner Pride of Bilbao, Port of Bilbao: "Attention passengers, there is one vehicle that is currently holding up disembarkation for a section of the vessel. A silver VW van, registration number..." The shame. A section of the commuting public of Bilbao was then further held up by the same silver VW van maintaining a steady 40 mph in the left hand lane, which in its country of origin is the slow lane.

San Sebastian, official stop number 1. Despite the attractions of the beautiful Concha beach, golden sands framed by green mountains, there was only one attraction in town. Chloe. With her shock of white blonde/ginger hair, translucent celtic skin and eye catching stomp-with-arm-waving gait, she courted the crowds who stopped to pay homage to this alien looking creature by scowling and marching on. A contrast to her more self aware sister who treats such attention as her natural birthright but deigns at least to acknowledge the attention with a regal smile.

Chloe: the Basques have never seen anything like it.

20th April Bay of Biscay

The Bay of Biscay is one of the world's hotspots for marine mammal watching, with 31 out of a global species count of over 80 cetacea. They positively swarm around the ship, competing inter species-ly to see whose spout gushes skywards the highest, who can win the census count, who can get the loudest Ooooh from the appreciative crowds with displays of aquatic exuberance. With every sailing on this route comes a guarantee of a plethora of charasmatic wildlife encounters to regale uninterested friends. First hand tales of oceans boiling with frolicing whales and dolphins. Literally teeming with species you've never heard of like the beaked whale. At least, that is what you would have been looking forward to had you attended the talk this morning run by the ship's wildlife officer who clearly starts the day with a couple of stiff scotches to wash down his hallucinogenic drugs. Before painting a sperm whale onto the lenses of the binoculars he passes to the captain in order to maintain his bridge occupation privileges. The Bay of Biscay is a wildlife desert.

Cabin life is not too bad despite 50 % of the occupants flagrantly disobeying the no solids to be passed in the the cabin rule.

Night #1 On The Ferry

Dear lord I'm married to someone who reads the periodical Practical Motorhome in bed.

The Large Pink Flower

Joyously, Laura has been given two oversized pink flower stickers for the van which she intends to attach ceremoniously in the presence of the remainder of the family's female majority later today. The sleek, battleship grey lines of the van will be sullied by two large pink symbols of emasculation.

Once it was a proud workhorse, with a stripped down practicality that would have sneered at such frivolousness. Now it will bear more than a passing resemblance to the Mystery Machine.

I suppose I can spend the next three months searching for the ghostly remnants of my dignity.

101 Alternative uses for a campervan

#1 Simply spray on a thick L shaped red stripe on both sides of the van and wow the next A-Team convention that sets up near your home. Or drive to one, you're in a campervan after all!

Note to mid 1980s toy manufacturers: there is no need to further add the words 'The A-team' to the side of the van since this compromises the authenticity and really would have made life very easy for Colonel Decker had it been replicated in real life.

Suitability for residence test

The Easter bank holiday arrived at the perfect time, providing us with the chance to explore the facilities of the van and perform the basic tasks that will become our routine in two weeks. So we parked it up outside Laura's Dad's house for the weekend and stayed in the house.

Optimism reigns, however as the rather magnificent awning purchased from the plug-deserving campervantastic.com not only trebles the living space of the van, but is an easily detachable stand alone tent. This means that all extraneous junk, including children, can be deposited on arrival before heading off to the nearest beach in a cloud of blue diesel smoke.

What did become clear over the weekend during the thorough testing was:

- Campervanning poses no problems when one is parked on a spacious driveway and assumes residence of the nearest centrally heated dwelling.

- We don't need a second, electric, kettle to complement the gas one. Really Laura, we don't. We're in a campervan, you don't even have two kettles at home. The only possible contraption it is justifiable to have more than one of on a campervan trip is a bicycle. Mountain and road versions are necessary.

- In the space of 4 weeks, 244 miles and 0 sleepovers, the canopy has sustained more damage than in the previous 8 years, 2 owners and 50,000 miles.

The Road Test

The Urban Road Test

After a Maundy Thursday spent largely crawling into then out of the damp greyness of London, the following facts of relevance to our trip were established.

Handling: The VW is particularly adept at cornering at speeds below 8 mph. Tests above this speed were not possible.

Satnav: Our failure to procure a satnav in time for this dry-run did not prove to be the marriage breaker it was feared. With aplomb did Laura take us through the backstreets of south London. Her one failing was that she could not be reprogrammed to deliver the directions with the husky confidence of Joanna Lumley or the alluring sweetness of Natalie Portman. (memo to self: check spec of satnav on order).

Placement of children: Despite the superficial attraction of having the children a good three feet further back than in the standard family car, it turns out that (1) you can still hear them and (2) the visitation of punishment is rendered more difficult when they are out of reach. This decrease in authority when one is splayed horizontally across the intervening space in mid remonstration may require a logistical revisitation.