We arrived back in Oxford at midnight on Saturday. Our house, which we had let in our absence, was a model of tidiness and cleanliness. This did not last long, for two reasons.
Firstly, because we had let the house in our absence, all our clothes and many belongings were packed away in cupboards. Which had to be emptied.
Secondly, the house contained a large quantity of toys that had been forgotten about for three months, all of which had to be played with in rapid succession.
And the general air of chaos was about to escalate.
Laura had resigned her job to do the trip, and there was some uncertainty around my post. That was all OK though, as the trip was funded by Laura's inherited shares.
Unfortunately, those shares were in BP.
Which left us thinking about ways to increase our household income.
" Take in some language students" a helpful neighbour, who dabbled in such areas, advised.
Our mumbled expressions of vague interest set wheels in motion rather more rapidly than we had planned. Later that evening, we were offered two Chinese students for two weeks of bed and board. They arrived in 4 hours.
So, less than 24 hours after returning, we found ourselves with 2 lodgers.
Several days later, I have concluded that the exercise is good practice for when my daughters are teenagers. Two girls, who avoid eye contact, say nothing, pick at their food and split all their time in the house between their bedroom and the bathroom.
Coming soon to a blog near you: 1 Male 5 Females 1 Bathroom
Friday 23 July 2010
Tuesday 20 July 2010
Inventory of missing, lost or destroyed items
1 Bath Towel
2 Soap dishes
1 Set Shampoo and Conditioner (separate)
1 Pint of blood (O+), distributed across mosquito populations of southern Europe
1 Cardigan, blue, size 12
1 Running Board fitted by previous owners to aid child's entry to van
1 Sense of humour, mislaid in Sardinia
1 Beach Towel
1 Magic Wand (not yet missed)
1 pair of knickers, size 3
1 pair of pyjama bottoms, size 3
1 Hairbrush (small)
1 Tiny Baby, beloved toy of Chloe
1 Perky, beloved toy of Maddie, mangled in bicycle chain and magically 'laundered' with the aid of a replacement within the hour
1 Bicycle Rack, distended
1 Pair of sandals, Size 7 child's, stolen by wildlife
1 Sandal, size 8, adult, partially consumed by wildlife
1 Tyre of small police car
2 Happy children, lost in Corsica
1 Paintjob, driverside
1 Waterbottle
2 Bicycle stabilisers, no longer required
1 Bin (recovered, slightly mauled)
1 Sun, reappeared in Sicily
1 Moulded plastic floor, melted by mosquito coils and hot pans
1 Pair sunglasses
1 Hat
2 Desires to return to any form of working life
2 Soap dishes
1 Set Shampoo and Conditioner (separate)
1 Pint of blood (O+), distributed across mosquito populations of southern Europe
1 Cardigan, blue, size 12
1 Running Board fitted by previous owners to aid child's entry to van
1 Sense of humour, mislaid in Sardinia
1 Beach Towel
1 Magic Wand (not yet missed)
1 pair of knickers, size 3
1 pair of pyjama bottoms, size 3
1 Hairbrush (small)
1 Tiny Baby, beloved toy of Chloe
1 Perky, beloved toy of Maddie, mangled in bicycle chain and magically 'laundered' with the aid of a replacement within the hour
1 Bicycle Rack, distended
1 Pair of sandals, Size 7 child's, stolen by wildlife
1 Sandal, size 8, adult, partially consumed by wildlife
1 Tyre of small police car
2 Happy children, lost in Corsica
1 Paintjob, driverside
1 Waterbottle
2 Bicycle stabilisers, no longer required
1 Bin (recovered, slightly mauled)
1 Sun, reappeared in Sicily
1 Moulded plastic floor, melted by mosquito coils and hot pans
1 Pair sunglasses
1 Hat
2 Desires to return to any form of working life
Friday 16 July Frankfurt
Officially the last day of the trip, excluding tomorrow's marathon drive back to Oxford.
Random Fact: Now we are at the end of this trip, Chloe has spent 90 of her 774 days on earth in a campervan, or 11.6 % of her life.
Unanswered Questions Of The Trip
- Where, if you are camping in a tiny tent with a smaller car, do you find room for a pair of matching dressing gowns?
- Why do Italians not wear shorts, even in stultifying heat?
- Why do the Slovenians take such architectural care with their electricity sub stations?
- Why do people wear Speedos? Really far too much anatomical clarity when squeezed onto corpulent, wurst based lifeforms.
Random Fact: Now we are at the end of this trip, Chloe has spent 90 of her 774 days on earth in a campervan, or 11.6 % of her life.
Unanswered Questions Of The Trip
- Where, if you are camping in a tiny tent with a smaller car, do you find room for a pair of matching dressing gowns?
- Why do Italians not wear shorts, even in stultifying heat?
- Why do the Slovenians take such architectural care with their electricity sub stations?
- Why do people wear Speedos? Really far too much anatomical clarity when squeezed onto corpulent, wurst based lifeforms.
Thursday 15 July Frankfurt/Heidleburg
I thought this trip would educate my children, I really did. Then we visited Frankenstein's castle. 'Look', said Maddie, 'a Roman theatre!' The object of her attention was a small series of tiered seats focused on a grassy stage.
Wrong Maddie, on two obvious counts.
Firstly, the functional nature of most mediaeval castles meant the retention of such period features as a Roman theatre was rare.
Secondly, almost without exception, the Romans used Roman concrete as their building material not wood.
That child just never listens.
Things that don't happen at home #9 Since the reduction of my functional footwear collection by 50%, my one remaining, fully enclosed, pair have acquired a strange new aroma. The end result is a dash for the bathroom every time I enter a house which by convention operates a shoe free policy. Which is all of them.
Wrong Maddie, on two obvious counts.
Firstly, the functional nature of most mediaeval castles meant the retention of such period features as a Roman theatre was rare.
Secondly, almost without exception, the Romans used Roman concrete as their building material not wood.
That child just never listens.
Things that don't happen at home #9 Since the reduction of my functional footwear collection by 50%, my one remaining, fully enclosed, pair have acquired a strange new aroma. The end result is a dash for the bathroom every time I enter a house which by convention operates a shoe free policy. Which is all of them.
Wednesday 14 July Frankfurt
A very relaxing day in Frankfurt, with bookshops, cafés, playgrounds and applewine houses filling the morning and early afternoon.
Back at the house, Chloe's dogged assistance of Dirk's gardening activities reminded me of 3 months of Chloe's second favourite phrase.*
Invariably delivered with a questioning and hopeful look that could only be answered in the positive, Chloe would ask: "Please may I help you..."
- Water the garden?
Just give me the water and the time and I will systematically drown all your plants.
- Fetch the picnic from the car?
Of course, this just means you'll have to carry a 2 year old as well as the picnic basket and blanket but I'll press the button to open the car for you.
- Put up the awning?
I'm very good at holding tent pegs and second to none at nipping my fingers on bits I shouldn't be touching. So delaying the task completion while I am comforted.
- Take Maddie to the toilet?
That way you get to carry me back after I've provided so much distraction in the toilets that you arrive back at the van not sure if Maddie has flushed, washed her hands, or passed solids.
- Put the bed away?
I can ineffectually hold the bottom section up while pushing in the wrong direction and getting in the way.
- Fold the table?
You might take three times as long to do it, but I am very good at closing the catches at the end.
- Hang up the laundry?
I will carefully transfer the wet washing from the bag to the clothes line via the dusty ground
- Wash the dishes?
I add value, not just by squirting in seven times the required amount of washing liquid, but also with my careful dish rinsing and smearing with the cloth I chew for the duration.
*Her Number 1 favourite phrase is 'NO MADDIE!'
Back at the house, Chloe's dogged assistance of Dirk's gardening activities reminded me of 3 months of Chloe's second favourite phrase.*
Invariably delivered with a questioning and hopeful look that could only be answered in the positive, Chloe would ask: "Please may I help you..."
- Water the garden?
Just give me the water and the time and I will systematically drown all your plants.
- Fetch the picnic from the car?
Of course, this just means you'll have to carry a 2 year old as well as the picnic basket and blanket but I'll press the button to open the car for you.
- Put up the awning?
I'm very good at holding tent pegs and second to none at nipping my fingers on bits I shouldn't be touching. So delaying the task completion while I am comforted.
- Take Maddie to the toilet?
That way you get to carry me back after I've provided so much distraction in the toilets that you arrive back at the van not sure if Maddie has flushed, washed her hands, or passed solids.
- Put the bed away?
I can ineffectually hold the bottom section up while pushing in the wrong direction and getting in the way.
- Fold the table?
You might take three times as long to do it, but I am very good at closing the catches at the end.
- Hang up the laundry?
I will carefully transfer the wet washing from the bag to the clothes line via the dusty ground
- Wash the dishes?
I add value, not just by squirting in seven times the required amount of washing liquid, but also with my careful dish rinsing and smearing with the cloth I chew for the duration.
*Her Number 1 favourite phrase is 'NO MADDIE!'
Tuesday 13 July Frankfurt
A bed. With sheets. In a real bedroom. A bath for the kids. A shave. The wonderful hospitality of Dirk and Andrea.
This was perhaps the first day of this trip that could be described as eminently civilised. The day dawned with the realisation that we had had our last night in the van this trip.
I was able to put this out of my mind as I breakfasted at a table I didn't have to fold away, after getting out of a bed I didn't have to fold away, on crockery I didn't have to wash up before using bathroom facilities I didn't want to throw up in.
The lovely town of Seligenstadt. A boat ride down the Maine. A barbeque. German beer. Marvellous.
This was perhaps the first day of this trip that could be described as eminently civilised. The day dawned with the realisation that we had had our last night in the van this trip.
I was able to put this out of my mind as I breakfasted at a table I didn't have to fold away, after getting out of a bed I didn't have to fold away, on crockery I didn't have to wash up before using bathroom facilities I didn't want to throw up in.
The lovely town of Seligenstadt. A boat ride down the Maine. A barbeque. German beer. Marvellous.
Wednesday 14 July 2010
Monday 12 July Upper Savinja Valley, Slovenia To Frankfurt, Germany
Do you run a Motorway Service Station? Then why not turn the adjoining land into a toilet paper strewn open sewer by the simple application of a 70c charge to use the internal, ceramic based, facilities. This is about 70c more than the average trucker, who makes up a substantial portion of your core user group, will pay for the privilege of a bowel movement.
A seven hour drive today, by some distance the longest of the holiday. I would like to formally record my thanks to Disney, Channel 5 Productions and CBeebies. I would also like to acknowledge the myriad geniuses who have revolutionised travel entertainment since 1877 when the first harassed parents bounced along in the back of a carriage with Edison's new wax phonograph disintegrating in their hands amidst the screams of their progeny.
Parenting tip #5 When choosing headphones for your in car entertainment system, spend the extra required on ones with chinstrap, vice grip and earclamps. To stop your attention seeking 2 year old from pulling the ******* things off and shouting 'I can't do it!!' as soon as she is bored.
Parenting tip #6. When driving, why not invest in a sturdy fishing net for each child. These multipurpose tools can be used to transfer or remove toys and food from distantly seated children, retrieve critical toys from the floor, and distend one's features should the need arise to engage in armed robbery. Though this would involve someone following you, holding the handle, and applying downward pressure for the duration of the crime.
A seven hour drive today, by some distance the longest of the holiday. I would like to formally record my thanks to Disney, Channel 5 Productions and CBeebies. I would also like to acknowledge the myriad geniuses who have revolutionised travel entertainment since 1877 when the first harassed parents bounced along in the back of a carriage with Edison's new wax phonograph disintegrating in their hands amidst the screams of their progeny.
Parenting tip #5 When choosing headphones for your in car entertainment system, spend the extra required on ones with chinstrap, vice grip and earclamps. To stop your attention seeking 2 year old from pulling the ******* things off and shouting 'I can't do it!!' as soon as she is bored.
Parenting tip #6. When driving, why not invest in a sturdy fishing net for each child. These multipurpose tools can be used to transfer or remove toys and food from distantly seated children, retrieve critical toys from the floor, and distend one's features should the need arise to engage in armed robbery. Though this would involve someone following you, holding the handle, and applying downward pressure for the duration of the crime.
Metaphor* Maddie
Maddie has been exploring the English language and its possibilities for articulating her thoughts and feelings in new ways. After some frankly poor efforts on this front, she recently nailed her first proper simile with "I'm as hungry as a giant who hasn't eaten any children".
Obviously thinking she was on to a winner with this one, later in the day on being asked if she had enjoyed a particular activity she replied "I'm as happy as a giant who's, er...playing."
Then: 'I'm as angry as a giant who's had no children for breakfast.'
Then: 'My hunger is as big as two giants.'
Some further work required on her comparative phrases I feel and perhaps expansion beyond Jack and the Beanstalk inspired analogies.
*Grammar pedants will note that no metaphors are contained in the above, but Simile Maddie lacked the alliterative punch I desired.
Obviously thinking she was on to a winner with this one, later in the day on being asked if she had enjoyed a particular activity she replied "I'm as happy as a giant who's, er...playing."
Then: 'I'm as angry as a giant who's had no children for breakfast.'
Then: 'My hunger is as big as two giants.'
Some further work required on her comparative phrases I feel and perhaps expansion beyond Jack and the Beanstalk inspired analogies.
*Grammar pedants will note that no metaphors are contained in the above, but Simile Maddie lacked the alliterative punch I desired.
Sunday 11 July Upper Savinja Valley, Slovenia
It's not been unusual on this holiday to leave a shower feeling dirtier than when one entered but the ballads that were piped into the block this morning truly soiled one's inner peace.
Much of the rest of the day was spent suppressing Phil Collins, Michael Jackson and Bryan Adams tunes from galloping round my brain, gnawing at my sanity like a school of pirhanas at the carcass of a floating cow.
Fortunately we had the distractions of the Logarska Dolina Valley again which, when one is not visiting lame Fairy Tale lands or being elbowed out of the way because our polite waiting distance for the picnic table was outwith the Slovenian accepted norm, is really rather beautiful.
Much of the rest of the day was spent suppressing Phil Collins, Michael Jackson and Bryan Adams tunes from galloping round my brain, gnawing at my sanity like a school of pirhanas at the carcass of a floating cow.
Fortunately we had the distractions of the Logarska Dolina Valley again which, when one is not visiting lame Fairy Tale lands or being elbowed out of the way because our polite waiting distance for the picnic table was outwith the Slovenian accepted norm, is really rather beautiful.
Saturday 10 July Upper Savinja Valley, Slovenia
It's a cliche, but when a child's talent or strength exceeds that of the parent for the first time it provokes feelings of inadequacy. The parent's life and achievements are on a downward trajectory, the child, young and optimistic, looks to the future with confidence.
Maddie, age 4 and 3 weeks, took her first proper swimming strokes today, and is fast approaching my standard. I imagine, though, that for the foreseeable future I will be able to stand in the 1.5 m end for longer than she can tread water.
Things that don't happen at home #8. Because one's usual abode is firmly attached, via foundations, to the land, one is not usually pursued by one's neighbour shouting 'Shtop, you haven't unplugged your van from the mains!' as one engages the clutch and pulls away.
Maddie, age 4 and 3 weeks, took her first proper swimming strokes today, and is fast approaching my standard. I imagine, though, that for the foreseeable future I will be able to stand in the 1.5 m end for longer than she can tread water.
Things that don't happen at home #8. Because one's usual abode is firmly attached, via foundations, to the land, one is not usually pursued by one's neighbour shouting 'Shtop, you haven't unplugged your van from the mains!' as one engages the clutch and pulls away.
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